Right down to the she-mullet. Of course, there were a few things to distinguish them. This lady was closer to 4'11 than 5'9. Her luscious locks were more mouse brown than blond. Her teeth were evenly spaced, a solid inch between each tooth. But...you get the idea.
I know what you're wondering. You're thinking, "where would you meet such a creature?" Never fret, my dears, I'm about to tell you. But I bet you already know the answer.
It was the kind of Saturday morning that I love/hate Walmart. I love it, because what else is there to do with two wild beasts, aged 2 & 1. The hatred comes from an awareness that there really should be SOMETHING (anything?) else to do on a beautiful day then spend it at the melting pot of circus workers that congregate at what is, for many people including myself, the only grocery store within 30 miles.
Ok, long story short, we are at Walmart. They hazy blur that is shopping with two kids is clearing. I'm in the checkout line; I'm poised and ready to spring. I wonder if I could throw my debit card through the swiper and catch it while I ride the cart out of the store like some kind of scooter for moms who've lost it.
But wait, it can't be this easy? Cue: sobs that could only be brought one by some sort of tragedy. Are there a million children all wailing in agony simultaneously? Nope, it's just the Tiny Duchess.
"My DOUGHNUT, mommy! (oh woh woh woh woh woh)"
"What doughnut, Duchess?"
"Mine! My pink one"
(did I tell her I would buy her a doughnut? I have no idea; I blocked out the past 40 minutes of my memory)
I look at K-Rex....undecided. We are already in line...is the doughnut worth it? What's the ride home going to be like? What do we do....
"DOUGHNUT! BLLAAAAAAH!"
DECISION MADE. In a fit of panic (or rage?) I hand N2 to K-Rex, hoist the Duchess into my arms, and bolt out of line toward the Walmart Bakery. The screaming stopped, so must be everything is going to alright, right?
Yeah, not so much. We get to the bakery, put the doughnut in the bag, and I attempt to steer the Duchess back to the checkout aisle.
"I need to eat my doughnut now"
"You can't honey...Mommy has to pay for it first"
"BLLLLAAAAAAAH" (tears, drama, confusion....and cue: the Creature)
Her voice was like Elmira Gulch and a pterodactyl had a baby.
"YOU DON'T WANT YOUR MAMA TO GO TO JAIL, DO YOU?" (yes...she is yelling this at my 2 year old child)
Petrified, the duchess stops moving in the hopes that the Creature will no longer be able to locate her prey. I move in slowly, not wanting to startle either the Creature or the Duchess. I pick up the Duchess and slowly greaten the distance between the Creature and my child. Smooth sailing?
"Ma'am! Ma'am! I made her stop crying...I really must have a way with kids, right"
And I have to admit, she kinda did. I don't know too many people who could scare a small child senseless just by the sound of their voice. It served it's purpose, the Duchess was so scared she stopped crying and was willing to leave the store in peace. And all's fair in love, war, and 2 year old taming, right?
So, Creature, if you are out there, I just want to say, "Thanks?"
